Penn State

If we can't protect our kids, we as a society are pathetic. - Matt Millen  PSU DT 1976-1979

I'm a Penn State grad.  I was proud of that fact until last Saturday.  Here's why.  I'm sorry, but I'm not going to summarize what that link is going to tell you.  I don't think I can type out those words.  Not because of any pride I feel for Penn State but because the alleged crimes are so heinous, so horrible that I just can't do it.  Maybe someday.  Maybe.

I am feeling...so many things right now that one or two words just can't cover it.  I don't know if the words actually exist.  I can't fathom being associated with these horrible, disgusting, evil deeds.  But here I sit.  Feeling sick about all of it.

Bear with me for a minute.  I'm a bit emotional, if you couldn't tell already.  Growing up, I didn't have very many friends and I felt alone most of the time.  High school was just ridiculous in all the teenage angst ways which I, as teenagers are wont to do, blew up into all kinds of high drama in my own mind.  By the time I reached college, I had very little self confidence or self esteem.  My sophomore year, I met a bunch of people. They started me down the road to acceptance.  Acceptance of myself, acceptance of others, acceptance of life.  I met those people at Penn State.  I have so much to be thankful for because of those people.  It is because of them that Penn State holds a very special place in my heart.

And now this.  And I don't know what to think.  Every good memory, every good thought, every good time.  They all feel like they've been ripped from me.  College really had been the best time of my life and now it's gone.

Which brings me to the real point of this post.  Every word that you just read, with the exception of the quote from Matt Millen, means absolutely nothing in light of what has happened.  NOTHING.  I can't allow myself to feel betrayed or hurt or any number of things.  Who cares how I feel about the school, my time there or anything else when there are kids, CHILDREN, that have been treated like this?

I know, I know.  Everything so far is alleged.  I don't care.  You don't mess with kids.  You just DON'T DO IT.  That's all there is to it.  There is no other choice.  We ARE pathetic if we don't protect our kids.  No one, NO ONE protected those kids.  Not a single person.  How do we let that happen?  There is nothing anyone can say to me, EVER, that will make me understand.

And so, I'm left dazed, confused, hurt, saddened and without words for my feelings or ways to deal with them.  My feelings may fade over time.  Maybe I'll even be able to tell people I went to Penn State without averting their gaze.  That won't change the hatred I feel right now towards the university for what has happened.  Because, make no mistake, while there are people behind every decision, the university is responsible for creating the environment in which those decisions were made.  And if that environment fostered those decisions, shame on all of us that call ourselves Penn Staters.